i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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