Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
