When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize