dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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