I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
