Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
