If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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