so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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