Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
