Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
