i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
