My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
