3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
this hospital has no fireball
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
