babies were throwing up all over the place
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
