I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
