Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize