I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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