I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
