she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
