when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's official drugs can't kill me
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
