you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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