Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
