My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
