Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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