Farmville is her only friend.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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