Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
