I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize