we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
