It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
