she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
