chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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