I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
