We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize