I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
