i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
