I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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