It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
