my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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