WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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