nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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