tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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