I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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