Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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