id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
