Well apparently he's into motor boating.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Houston, we have a blender
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
