I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
