Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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