If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So squirting runs in the family.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
