Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
