she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
