Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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