my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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