She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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