I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
