capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize