i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
