there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
