yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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