Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
