Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
