So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
